Mom

This has to be one of my favorite pictures of my Mom. I hear it was taken by a newspaper, but for what I do not know. I love the look on her face, as well as my sister's face. The picture is badly damaged by time and the elements, but it does not matter. She looks so young and pretty to me here, full of life, with her beautiful baby in her arms. She looks happy.

Today is 2 years since Mom died. Two years have passed since I held her hand and said goodbye. I miss her more than I can say, and I had no idea that the time would not dull the grief. I look at my own hands and see hers, sometimes I catch myself in a picture or the mirror with a certain look that was totally her. And I miss her. So very much.

The day she died there was a huge rainbow in the sky. So big and so bright it was in the newspaper. It was very visable from her room that last day, as my Dad sat with her and held her hand and said goodbye. Last year on the anniversary of her death I was SO down, and on the way to work that morning saw a rainbow in the foothills beyond my work. It made me smile, and I felt that it was a "sign" or a reminder for me to help me get past the grief and remember that she was in such a better place. The last several days, with all of the rain we have been having and the patches of sun in between I have been scanning the skies and the hills looking for a rainbow. A friend posted one on Facebook this week, and I even responded that it was perhaps the one I had been looking for. And then today, on my way home from work, there it was. I was getting off the freeway, and right in front of me in the clouds was a very light rainbow. But it was there. As stupid as it may sound, I felt such a weight lifted off of me, and felt a big smile creep across my face. Thank you Mom.

I wish Mom could be here to see my girls grow. She would be so proud of them. I wish she was here to consult, when I am having difficult times and am struggling with my day to day life. She always had such common sense, good advice. I wish she was here to tickle my arm, or hold my hand, or give me a tight squeeze and whisper in my ear "I Love You, sweetie". I wish she could have dinner in my home, and enjoy my husband's amazing cooking. I guess I just feel so sad because I wish she could still be here to share my life with me, and vice versa. I did not have long enough with her.

I love you Mom. I hope I will preserve part of you with the lessons you taught me about being a Mom, and the way I raise my girls. You taught me so many lessons, and I feel so lucky to have had you in my life. I love you, and I miss you so very, very much. As much as I remind myself that you are in a better place, I still feel very sad today. Very, very, sad.