Monday, May 28, 2012
I saw a very dear friend this weekend, and was reminded of how very much I enjoy her company. She asked me if I was still blogging, and I was ashamed to admit I had not been, for a very long time. It's one of those things that when your life is super busy you always mean to do...but never gets done. Then you feel guilty, and feel that you must catch up with updates on all of the things you've missed, and that seems even more overwhelming. If you're me...that adds up to just too many steps to take to just get there, and the end result is you do nothing. Okay, I admit it...I suck.
The reality is I love being a story teller, or a story keeper. I first started this blog with the idea that I could keep a record of our life, and what was happening on a day to day basis for my girls. I have nowhere to go and no one to ask about my day to day when I was a kid. We traveled the world, and when I look at pictures of that time I have no one to ask "Where were we here...what were we doing?" " Who was this person...they look so familiar?" The only ones that know that answer are now gone, and with my genetic legacy I have thought I should document things now for my girls, so they never need to wonder "who was that...or where were we?" So far that documentation is sparse, at best. Perhaps slightly better than one of those albums where the pages are sticky brown lines, and the pictures are held down by a curling page of acetate...but not much.
So thank you Jamie for making me think about all of this again...and bring it back to the forefront of my mind. As we have spent the last few weeks readying our house for sale, and dreaming of what is to be, I keep coming back to how much I love the house we are in. In this little condo we have lived thousands of ordinary days, which I am now realizing are the treasures of life. We met on a blind date on the front step of this home, me with PURPLE hair (after a bad breakup and a need for "change"). His first words to me were "You're gorgeous!", and so even with the purple hair we seemed meant to be. We crossed the threshold as newlyweds in this home, and brought both of our baby girls home from the hospital to this nest.
We have loved to entertain in this home, and that is probably where some of the most precious memories lie. Hundreds of nights of Chateau Robert, and Rob's gourmet dinners that were beyond compare. Add to that the beautiful/amazing wine that has always been a part of our lives and I have always said I am married to the best restaurant in Orange County. So many evenings where the awesome dinner turned into game night, and our favorite...Pictionary. I have rarely laughed as hard as I have during these games, where the drawings were either super amazing, or so awful that you held your sides laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. Either way, just very happy memories...all in these four walls.
Rob and I watched our girls grow here. I remember one of the first nights after bringing Zoey home from the hospital we just sat her bouncy chair on the dining table and stared at her, marveling at this little person we had created. We touched her little hands, and giggled...marveled by what the Lord had blessed us with. This perfect little person was really ours? A new type of honeymoon, drunk with love for this little person and each other. We got to experience it all again when we brought Avery home...now a real little family. Our day to day had many struggles, but with the things that mattered we were really blessed.
The years went on and we lived each one with lots of love. Christmas times with all of the cool traditions and magic young children bring to that. Soccer, and Girl Scouts and birthdays and on and on. We ran through each week and month with super full lives, but perhaps not being able to be enough in the moment for any of them. Then the losses came to us, losing my Mom, and Dad, and Henny. Then the unthinkable, losing one our age, a best friend, losing Ross.
Losing these we love so much have really changed how I look at everything. All of these ordinary days, gone. Why didn't I take that extra picture? How come I did not video Grandma helping my kids to open Christmas presents? Where was that last picture Ross drew playing Pictionary? Did I throw it away??? How could I have not realized how important those "ordinary" days were? Why does it have to be after the fact before you realize and appreciate how amazing those ordinary days were?
So as we have spent the last three days (and last three weeks) busting our butts to get our place ready to sell I have had these images cross my mind constantly. We are so excited about where we are going, and all that has to offer. It is SO time for our little family, and Rob and I have made the sacrifices we need to make to make this happen. I have no doubt it will be very good for our family and where we are headed. All that being said, I still look at my four little condo walls and feel sad. Sad to leave this place so very full of memories, and perhaps spirits of those loved ones to some extent. I can look at my couch and see Ross's smiling face, or hear in my mind some silly joke he told me while sitting there. I can stand by my girl's bathtub and picture my Mom on her knees giving Zoey a bubble bath there, and grinning from ear to ear at her playing with the bubbles. I won't have those images in my mind's eye at the new place. I worry that as time marches on and my own memory fades these images will be gone forever. I just keep telling myself that many more beautiful, ordinary days are to come. The trick is to just appreciate them, and hopefully document them as they do. That is my challenge...document the beauty that is the ordinary day.
Monday, April 04, 2011
So my purpose was clear in my mind. Unfortunately, life took over and my "extra time" allotted became almost non-existent. That, combined with losing 3 of our 4 parents over the last three years have probably put me in a mindset that was not too conducive to writing about our lives. Depression takes over and you have your hands full just getting through your day.
As luck would have it, I have been so blessed in my life. I have a wonderful sister, amazing in laws, wonderful employers, and most of all a wonderful husband and children. They have supported me and loved me through it all, and now we have begun what I believe will be a positive, blessed time of our lives. I realize as I look back that the recording of our daily lives that I wished our blog to be has some huge holes in it. So I think I will take the "Reader's Digest" approach and do a post for each month that has passed, with the "greatest hits" highlighted. As my motivation to document our lives in words diminished, so did my motivation to document our lives with pictures (which tells me a lot about myself). So I will go with what I have and try to give a snapshot of what was happening in our lives during the last year.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Today, September 16th, would have been my Mom's birthday. She would have been 74. It's funny how grief affects your life. When I woke up today I immediately thought about Mom, but pushed it down and literally told myself NOT to think about it. Because I knew it would make me cry. So many times during the day I saw the date pop up, on the display on my phone at work, on a document I was working on. I HAD to see or write September 16th. And this date has always had only one meaning to me. Mom's birthday. Today it is just a reminder of the fact she is gone.
I spoke to my sister a few times today, about things that had nothing to do with Mom. She actually called me this morning on my way to work, and we discussed the issue she was calling about. I thought about mentioning Mom's birthday, but did not...because I knew she was already thinking about it as I was and it would only make one of us (ME), or likely both of us cry. Later in the day we spoke again, and again about a different matter. I did bring it up, but we quickly changed the subject. Just still too painful. And neither of us really wanted or needed to cry. At that moment.
I am taking an online class about restoring old photographs. Damaged photographs. Doing something with that box/envelope/pile of old pics many of us have inherited (if we are lucky) that are quickly deteriorating. The instructor tells you to find a damaged photograph to work on. The only one I had on my hard drive right now was this one. I know I have posted it before, and for whatever reason it has just become one of my favorite pics of my Mom. It is badly damaged. Discoloration, wrinkles, fading. But I LOVE this picture of my Mom and my sister. She looks so full of life. A young Mother. She has a necklace on that is similar to something I would wear today. Not expensive, but just "stylish". Ah, I love this picture. I can't wait to work on "fixing" it during this class to see what I could come up with.
Happy Birthday Mom. I love you so much, and miss you more than I can say. You are in my thoughts and dreams on a daily basis, and I try to focus on all of the amazing things you have taught me while you were here rather than the ache I feel because you are gone. Most of the time I fail at that, but every year that passes is a little easier. A very little bit easier. I miss you and love you so very much. Thank you for your legacy and everything you have taught me that has made me the person I am today. I just wished I had realized all of that when you were still here and I could have told you. I think you know.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Did so much on day 2, including a boat ride around the lake...seeing the beautiful homes and soaking it all up! This is Bea's beautiful home.
Rodeo and Fireworks...total Americana!
Will post more details later, the party is about to start here!!
Happy 4th of July Everyone!!!
As with most vacations, getting on the road is often the hardest part! We spent the last few days running around, picking up the house, doing laundry/shopping/packing. But we got everything done, and before we knew it we were on a plane headed to Bea's house.
Once we were actually on the plane we had a little time to kill, so Avery and I decided a few self-portraits were in order. We were already feeling that vacation vibe :-). Funny how taking goofy pictures of yourself with your kids can be so entertaining...and the goofy shots are always the ones I love later.
Even though we were delayed in LA for over 1 1/2 hours because of rain in Houston, we finally made it, and were SO lucky that our connecting flight was also majorly delayed, so we got on the LAST flight to Northwest Arkansas from Houston that was going out that night. If we had not made that one we would have been spending the night in Houston...a real bummer for the start of vacation.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Had such a great time Friday night, went to Benihana's with Hoover, and Dan and Deb. Yum!
Three beautiful faces I love!
The sushi was great but the company was even better. No place I'd rather be!
Thanks again Mr. Hoover for a wonderful night. Next stop, Danihanas!