Ouch

Well, this has been a tough week. Sometimes I feel like I am alone, with a bunch of @#$% hitting me from every side. Sometimes (like last night) I sat up until 1AM, because I needed to, looking at pictures of my Mom and my family and sobbing, sometimes so loud I held a blanket over my mouth so I would not wake my family.

Sometimes it sucks.

But a good hard cry has it's benefits. And now, today, I look at things with the eyes of someone that is not on the verge of tears every second, but has resolve. To do what I need to do for MY FAMILY. And that means my children and my husband. And myself. Because I know that while my family would get along just fine without me, in some ways they cannot do without me, so I need to be strong for them.

And snap out of it.

So...how long is the right amount of time to grieve? I feel like a broken record, but I miss my Mom SO much. I would give anything to see her for just one more minute...to tell her how much I love her and give her a tight hug. I can't really talk to anyone about it (but venting to the blog feels good) because I know no one really wants to hear it, and I don't want to hear "move on, she would want you to" or other nonsense. And while I wish my team was there with me, the ones who are going through the same, I have never felt so distant from them, or so unable to understand where they are and where I am.

I feel adrift. Alone. Very alone. Not in the sense of people are not with me, but really only a few understand. If she was here I could speak to her about it and she would counsel me. Isn't that funny? No, not really.

Okay, I'm done. Just wanted to get it out. And you know I cannot have a blog post without a pic...so here goes:



One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. And one of the things she loved the most. I hope I can be the kind of Mom she was.