Mom

Well, as many of you know, Mom suffered a massive stroke last Tuesday (January 15th) and is currently at Hoag Hospital. Her body is very broken, and as I look at these pictures my heart is breaking because I miss her so much.

My Mom is and has always been a teacher, in every sense of the word. I can almost hear her voice telling me to rely on my faith, and that she is at the end of this worldly journey but beginning the next journey, the one that will bring her to be with her Heavenly Father. I know she has no fear of death, but instead has been strengthened by her relationship with God and the knowledge she would be beside him in Heaven one day. And as much as I try to remind myself that she would want and expect me to be strong right now, I don't feel strong at all. I want to crawl into her arms and have her comfort me, the way she has my whole life. I miss her so much.

I think my Dad feels lost right now too, or if not lost just very sad. I look at this picture and see her holding up my Dad, when he was struggling with walking, and realize in so many ways she has done that with every member of our family...held us up in so many ways. I am so grateful to have been blessed with a Mother that had such strength, strength in her faith, strength in her love.

I love this picture of Mom, it is what I think of when I think of her with her mind whole, and her body healthy. Her shirt says "M.O.M" Manager of Other people's Messes. And she was just that, there to get us through difficult times, whatever those "messes" might be in life, she always had a listening ear and a comforting hug and wise words to get you through them.

This picture too, I have always loved. Dad took this picture a few years back, and here she is teaching my eldest daughter, Zoey to bake cookies. Mom LOVED this kind of "Grandma time" and I believe being a Grandma was the source of some of her greatest joy. She always had time to be with her granddaughters, and loved to do so. Her gentle, loving way drew children to her. She was with me when both of my daughters were born, and I quickly realized how much I had learned from her example about being a Mother, and all of the joys and responsibilities that entails. I hope to live up to her example, and I strive to do that every day.

I am struggling with this process of letting go, and do not feel peace with it at all. I feel extremely sad, and also angry, angry because I feel like 39 years was not nearly enough time to be with my Mom. It's hard to think about living the rest of my life with that hole I am feeling right now in my heart. I love you very much, Mom.